Callahan Awards Retrospective, continued.

Originally posted in 2000

I’ve cleaned up the post for publishing but the original link is HERE.  If you missed it, the epic “Will Deaver for Callahan” post is HERE.

2000

JAY HAMMOND FOR CALLAHAN.

Jay Hammond is the result of years of work by the University system of
 Georgia.  This Jay Hammond for Callahan series will include a
break
down on his creation, his training, and his exploits.

Go Dawgs

Jay Hammond is the Beta Version of a new Joint Biogenetics program
 developed by the University of Georgia and the Georgia Institute of
Technology.  The Program has been put together by the finest minds in
 the country, and combines the Technological Wizardry of the Georgia Tech 
Engineering Department w/ the Animal Husbandry Legacy that UGA (the
 Oldest Land Grant University) has developed.

The result is an Uber-Ultimater.  The Hammond 1.2.

The program started 8 years ago, with the manufacture of the Hammond
1.1 “John.”  The initial Hammond, nicknamed “The
Kid” or “Noodles,” while an impressive result, was deemed “INADEQUATE” and
 was rejected by 
both the UGA and GA Tech Athletic programs.

(2013 ed. Note, when asked for comment, John noted, “I’M INADEQUATE?  The way I remember it, I skipped college and went right to the show.  Call me Kobe.” )

But, according to documents only recently made available through the Freedom of Information act, there were myriad problems associated with the 1.1. The documents note, that while height and flexibility were above average, an 
infusion of Cattle genetic material (possibly by an unknown
 competitor’s retroviral technology, possibly by the poor choice of host mom) resulted in a creation deemed simply, “too goofy.”

 Furthermore, the maintenance schedule was wrecked by a
 failure 
of the control systems.  The 1.1 developed an unforeseen affinity for
 Whole Milk and Jelly Doughnuts.  We are not sure how this happened: 
the program had carefully included genetic information and encoded 
protein deficiencies that should have made it impossible for the 1.1
 to 
eat anything but whole grains and raw fish.

(2013 ED: note: When asked for response, the now retired John Hammond, said, “Look at the championship rings buddy.  I think I’ll be the one to tell you what an athlete’s diet is.”  He then paused, and lifted his hand up, and said, “The rings.”)

But the foundations of the program are intact.  The Hammonator
 program
 uses the latest in off the record Black-Funded Human
 Genome research, 
seen to be at least 10 years ahead of any comparable program.
 Likewise, the cloning technology, and in vitro fertilization technology
 are definitely “next generation.”

Much of this was
 brought over from 
the Eastern Bloc w/ the fall of the wall, and has been carefully
 covered up by government agencies w/ vested interests.  

For all
 intents 
and purposes, each Hammonator is constructed directly from the base 
units of the genetic code.  Using a soup of thymine, adenine, guanine,
and cytosine, the DNA “chain of life”  is created using
 nano-technology, and designer retro-viral technology.

(2013 Ed. Note: The Hammonator Foundation STRONGLY denies any connection
 between early failed retrovirus experiments and recent viral 
outbreaks).  

Harnessing the power of a series of parallel linked Cray IX
 super-DUPER-computers, the researchers of the foundation work to
 create
 a faster, smarter, better, and more spirited athlete.

When the genetic chain is complete, the team at Georgia Tech has 
completed their work.  Using Korean In-Vitro techniques, the genetic
 material is inserted into an animal egg at the Animal   at the University of Georgia.

The early failure of the Ham
1.1 may have started here, when a Guernsey Cow was chosen to be the
 host mom.  Something went horribly wrong, and the result was, as
mentioned, somewhat addled.

But we feel that we have achieved success with the JAY 
HAMMOND HAMMONATOR Version 1.2.  The genetic chain is maxed out for speed, 
quickness, leaping, reflexes, hand/eye coordination, and leadership. And 
in
 a new development, we found a portion of Chromosome 8 that controls 
”intangibles.”  This has been maximized as well.

Several improvements over the 1.1 include modifications to the genetic material, changes to the host animal, and source material.

The genetic Soup has been 
modified.  We have replaced THYMINE, an often essential but relatively 
uninteresting pyrimidine nucleic acid, with TAURINE, a product found 
in 
the RED BULL sports drink. We see this as not only a surefire way to make the Hammonator1.2 unstoppable, but also, an easy marketing Tie-
in.

The host animal was changed.  In lieu of a Cow, we introduced the 
genetic material into a Mountain Lion. The Mountain lion was then 
tagged, and released into the wild.   This portion of the Project was a success.  The mountain lion
 was recaptured shortly before the Hammonator was born.

Purer strains of nucleotides were used.  After some consideration, the 
early money saving measure of buying the various ingredients at General
 Nutrition Centers was scrapped, and the nucleotide material was
purchased from reputable Scientific Sources.

Next time... The training.

(ED: Note.  At this point, the record ends.  A mysterious fire destroyed portions of the files, the computers spontaneously burst into flame and the 18 lead researchers vanished, leaving strangely identical farewell notes.) 


Bloggin' only the truth.
Morrison Luke Smith

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