Monday, April 29, 2013

Callahan Award Season

By Morrison Luke Smith.

With Callahan Season approaching, and working on a belated resolution to exercise my writing chops, I've dusted off some old content.  Enjoy.  Originally written in 4 parts, now, together, at last.  This dates back to 1997, when Will Deaver, current UPA big wig, was a big deal.
Link to RSD
Part One
The Early Years
You want to secure a Callahan victory for your candidate?  Today it's all about YouTube and highlights.  Well, I see the break buckets and the big skys. But you're forgetting what makes up 85% of every Olympic broadcast.  The human interest story.

While your team mates are peppering usenet google groups RSDnospam (I said I wrote this a long time ago) with inane tripe about the mightily heroic dumps of Chunder Howard Blowchunks III IV (really long time ago) of IvyLeagueU, you slip in some clever human interest that gets name recognition and wins the hearts of the academy...
Take for instance a fictional Callahan trophy candidate, named, oh, we'll call him Will Deaver, attending a fictional school, called say the University of Georgia, Or is it a true name, and a true story-- one we should all listen to, and learn from.
So gather round everybody, pull up a chair, and imagine...
Will Deaver's rise to greatness is unheralded and unmatched in the annals of sport. Sure, the UGA program, a perennial national caliber team, changed slightly, abandoning the wide open 'fill' offense stolen from
the readily available pages of the great NE club teams' playbooks, and replacing it for what Charles Kerr called the UGA 'Dump' offense in his review of the Classic City Classic. And granted, w/ the advent of the new Offense, the team has not made it to nationals in the past 2 years... But that is beside the point. What sets Will apart is the tremendous courage he has shown in rising up from a troubled past.
You see, Will Deaver was raised by wolves in the mountains of British Columbia. I know, this is hard to believe, but it is true -- as true as my boss is my witness to this use of company time and technology. I know, because I found Will, and introduced him to civilization.
While working as a US Forest Service Ranger (Making me a PATRIOT DAMMIT) on an exchange program with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (Making me CONSISTENT WITH MY EARLIER STATEMENT THAT THIS
PART OF THE STORY IS TAKING PLACE IN BC) I had the opportunity to foil the dastardly attempts of a group of vile wolf poachers. This was brilliant, courageous work on my part, not without a requisite amount of danger, and as you might have guessed, a certain athleticism...

But that is another story, one that can be read in earlier posts (along w/ such greats as Classic City Classic VII - -sponsored by Sony and Michael Jackson, and the Classic City Classic Hot Box Challenge -- including a brief mention of the winner (well, you know), both seen in earlier articles in the UPA newsletter)...
But I digress. As the smoke cleared, the poachers beating a hasty retreat, the wolves cowering before me, I saw a strange sight -- a young lad, no more than 15 years old, barking and snarling at me, and clothed in animal skins and TEVA sandals presumably claimed from some weaker prey.  Ah hell, I sighed.
"Another wolf-child to raise."
morrison luke smithAnd so began a tremendous saga. You know the drill -- Will got his name from his tremendous WILL to succeed in the face of adversity. His struggles to learn English and even walk were very much like the travails of the main character in the great 80's film 'WALK LIKE A MAN' starring Howie Mandel, but all along, there was a growing visible subtext. For Will was blessed with a tremendous athleticism very much like the protagonist of the  fantastic 60's Disney film THE WORLDS GREATEST ATHLETE'... another all too real tale of 'Raised in the Wild'. His early days were spent in standard 'merican sports like baseball and football.
Which brings me to an anecdote about one particular fall afternoon at Sanford Stadium in the Heart of The Empire State of the South -- I'm talking about none other than the University of Georgia... Will was playing halfback...
(more to follow. it's too nice to sit around here this afternoon)
but while you wait, take a look at the Callahan Page. Take a look at Will Deaver and nod Knowingly, as you have peeked into the psyche of one of the true legends of the game --
The Ballad of Weaver D's (Will Deaver)
The story thus far...
Will Deaver is raised by wolves in the mountains of British Columbia, returned to civilization by Luke Smith. Will's learning to function in society is much like Howie Mandel's saga in 'Walk Like a Man' and his spectacular athletic career parallels the plot of Disneys 'The World's Greatest Athlete.'
Our story continues...
While I kept up with Will during his early years as he bounced from Zoos to Foster homes and back (hey, what do you do with a wolf boy)?, I gradually lost contact with him as I moved into Evangelical Televised Preaching and my work began to demand my full attention. But our adventures together were far from over.

My own college ultimate career, with somewhat of a belated start, was continuing apace, when in college at the UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA I was working as a Personal Motivator for the football team. Frustrated, and exhausted one fateful saturday, I was having limited success and was not being particularly effective. Tech (Georgia Tech) was kicking the humbling poop out of us. Joining the ranks of the injured at the end of the bench, as I hid behind my sunglasses w/ an ice-bag on my head, Tech up by 7 with :08 on the clock, Georgia with 95 yards to go, in the middle of a television timeout, the normally ebullient UGA crowd silenced, I heard a quite mellifluous voice, and some nice guitar work...
just a good ol' boys
never meanin' no harm
beats all you ever saw
they've been running from the law
since the day they was born
straightening the curves
flattening the hills
someday the mountain might get em
but the law never will
making their way
the only way they know how
that's just a little bit more
than the law will allow
just a good ol boys
wouldn't change if they could
fighting the system
like a two modern day robin hoods...
"I'll be damned," I mumbled,"Waylon Jennings." But it wasn't Waylon, it was as, I turned in shock to see, WILL DEAVER, suited up in the Silver and Red. He was a reserve tailback on the team, just a freshman, not expected to play. But at that moment a star was to be born. His rendition of the theme song had silenced the sideline, and spread its magic into the stands, hushing even the savage Tech Nerds, and bringing a tear to the eye of even the most cynical Bulldog fan. He strolled up to the coach in the silence, and said to Vince Dooley,
"Relax Bubba. It's winning time."
Coach Vince Dooley, looked up, contemplated the 5'5 long-haired pine rider, spat, and said, in his own incomparable way, "Ungh."
Will smiled, grabbed his helmet, and ran on to the field as the crowd erupted.
The play was Freight Train Right, a screen, for some reason, to the left, but as the ball was snapped and tossed to Will, everything got 'realll' quiet like, and it was just like that Michael Jordan Commercial, where everything goes all slow motion, only this was better, because this was real. Well Will, all 5'4" 103 pounds of him darted into the line. And got popped, straight back, and up, about 10 feet each way. And well, it looked like some his leg was broken, what with it bent that way, and I thought "Shit, there goes my job as team motivator, losing to Tech,"
when I noticed that Will wasn't down, and then he began to run. At first he's running all slow like, limping along with that twisted leg, and I'm thinking, just for a moment about something other than my
financial career,
"He's 'bout to get killed, trying to run on that leg."
But as the first tackler reaches him, Will is gone, and the Tech player is grabbing at air as another Tech player dives at his feet. I jumped up, and yelled out,
"LAWDY MERCY!! The ole fake broken leg trick."
For he was capable of bending his leg almost completely backwards at the knee, Yes, Will Deaver: an athlete, musician, and circus freak.
And Will was gone, his subterfuge giving him the opening he needed to get into the open field. And that, as they say, was that. 4.2 speed and as un-graspable as the wind itself, Will was soon in the End zone (handing the ball to the Ref, of course, which, I don't NEED to point out demonstrates a lifetime dedication to sportsmanship and spirited play aside from the 'requirements' of the rules). Needless to say, Georgia went for two, and the rest, as they say, is history.
I grabbed Will on the way out, and said,
"Forget this Football stuff Will, ULTIMATE is where the Big Bucks and the Big Games are to be found."
And the rest, as they say, is History

(Stay tuned for Part 3 -- The Sleeper Awakens)
Coming This Friday, 14 May 1998.

The Following is a Continuation of Will Deaver, Chronicle of a
Part 3 of 3.

Where was I?
Ah yes.
The Story So Far...

Will Deaver, WolfBoy, Survives in the Wilds, raised by wolves -- much like Tarzan, but w/o the shame of ever having to make monkey noises. Will overcomes his early background. He is rescued by National Geographic Correspondent Luke Smith, and brought back to society to be raised with Intelligence of Lassie, The Courage of 'White Fang,' and the Comedic instinct of the Shaggy D.A. His athleticism leads some to wonder if he is using 'Flubber' (a la the 60's Original, not some lame remake). Will goes on to play several High School Sports, but not Ultimate. After nearly four years in what we loosely call civilization (Georgia) will has not only learned to speak English, but also to run the Power-I formation for the University of Georgia -- In one spectacular play, Will Deaver cements his legend in the annals of Georgia history and begins his Ultimate career. Well now, Will had done the impossible. He had surpassed the legend of Herschel Walker.

Seriously. He's still got it.
Now let me digress for the moment -- In
Georgia, the Universe is based on the tacit understanding that the chain of command goes from Bill Elliot, to Herschel Walker, to God. But on Saturdays, well now, then there was just Herschel.

And when Will Made that great play to cement a Georgia Win (See, Will Deaver Part 2 of 3, Birth of a Legend) over the abominable Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (ENOUGH ABOUT FOOTBALL ALREADY) to, there was talk in Georgia, of renaming Sanford StadiumDeaver Field. A restaurant, Weaver D's, was named for Will Deaver (OK, there was some confusion there...) -- Will could pretty much write his own ticket to glory, to be told in Red and Black. What happened? How could Will leave the game of Football?
Easy. I lied to him. Yes-siree, I told him that Ultimate was THE  American sport. (What would he know, hell, he'd only learned to speak English by watching the Dukes of Hazzard and the A - Team Re-Runs). I also told the UGA coaching staff that Will, well, Will had been involved in a terrible fishing accident so that they wouldn't wonder about him (sure they believed me, this is Georgia, not Harvard). I felt momentary twinges as I told these egregious lies, but all things pass, and so did this BRIEF pang of conscience. But Frisbee season was coming up, and I needed ringers...
And now Will was a JoJah Dog.
Oh yeah, Will's real fast, Will's real good, Will's got great Spirit (Blah, Blah, Blah)
The legend of Willy D, part 4 of 4
Our story so far...

Will Deaver rose up during the darkest hours of man to battle against the vilest forces of Evil. This is his story.
I think Will's qualities of sportsmanship, leadership, athleticism, and teamwork have been well demonstrated by the earlier posts. But I'd like to close with a few anecdotes of his Ultimate Career, lest I be criticized as some unreconstructed UGA homer hell bent on celebrating the glory of Herschel Walker... for Will was, and is, more than a Wolf Boy. More than a Bulldog. More than a Football Playing Midget.
Will Deaver is an Ultimate Player.
I remember the first practice Will attended. Not for his ability. Not for his preternatural and prodigious poise. No. For something else that Will brought to the field. Something that no one else brought to the game that day.
A cooler of sodas and a few barley pops.
That practice, like many others, was the Will Deaver show, but Ultimate aside, the post game was better. As we milled about in endorphinic bliss, ready to sate our thirst with icy goodness (in some place where we violated no field rules, and no one underage drank, yada, yada, yada), Will reached into the Cooler, and pulled out one beverage after another. As he handed it to the first player, he performed a feat that I have seen only one other time in the entire history of the game.
THE CRAW. For Will casually took his thumb and pushed it through the aluminum skin of the beer. Now, in all my years in the game I have ever seen one player perform this trick. To maintain anonymity, we'll call him, oh, say, Billy. But to have this ability naturally, without years of practice, to be able to prepare cans without keys, knives etc... to simply CRAW the can with your hand... This, as you can plainly see is the mark of a true Ultimate player...
Well we made Will the Captain right then and there, or as soon as he won the 'Shotgun for Captain contest.' Sure he knew nothing of strategy, but that's not the point. He had financial aid, and a gas card. And this means refreshments.
Will's career continued apace. He took right to the team. As a southern team, UGA rode around in pickup trucks like the Beverly Hillbillies, w/o the Beverly, if you know what I mean. And Will, like any good wolf-boy, loved trucks.
He's performed some other amazing feats in his career... The Glory -- always the talent, dominating every game on offense and defense. He's got the skills to pay the bills, folks, there is no doubt about that. But I could sing his on field praises all day. It is what Will brought to the table off the field that might convince you.
Will is a tireless worker. His organization, hard work and dedication made UGA what it is. Whether rallying the troops for practice after a tough tourney, or organizing some off day throwing, Will always stayed focused. In a school with a pitiful Club Sport Budget, will went the extra mile, organizing bake sales, car washes, etc.
And always, ALWAYS Will dominated play. Running farther and faster, jumping higher...
Spirit? Well honestly its hard to judge. How's that you ask?

Well, see, Will's never made a call. Likewise, he's never contested a call. That's right, in his 5 years of play, he has never made a call. (Except of course, to point out his own errors to less experienced players when they overlooked a travel, etc.). So yeah, I guess he's spirited.

(Music Please)
Will's tireless work has transformed this Wolf-Boy into one of the finest people, and the finest player, that I have ever known. If not for freak accidents (who can forget the famous Sinkhole of '95 or the Twister of '96 or the graduation of '97) that have decimated the team, a national championship would have been a certainty. But who can play winning ultimate, year in and year out, with rosters of 8 or 9 players.

Eight or Nine Will Deavers, certainly, but mere mortals? For even, in the final analysis, Will Deaver, the greatest player to ever play the game, could not do it all.
Where will he go, now that his storied college career is over?
Club teams are clamoring. And Will is not one to shy from a challenge.
But there is another call, another challenge.
And off in the distant mountains, the wolf-boy hears a call that only he can hear.
And maybe, just maybe, the wolf boy will just fade away back into the mountains from which he came.
Don't forget to vote.
Will Deaver
UGA Callahan Candidate
Luke Smith
Deaver for Callahan.

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